I know what it’s like to be happily divorced and happily married. And I know what it’s like to feel as if your heart is going to break—to feel stuck, alone and frustrated in marriage—praying he will change or even die! (Several friends have admitted to that exact prayer. Wowzers!) But, I get it. My marriage wasn’t what I pictured either when I said ‘I do.’

I grew up on a dairy farm in Northern Minnesota, in an emotionally detached home. I was raised Lutheran, like most everyone in my hometown. Though I didn’t need to unlearn anything that was taught in that denomination, it fell far short of what I needed and had no personal impact on me. By the time I was 17, I had made a mess of my life and was then introduced to the Lord and an amazing church that I connected with, so I did whatever I needed to do to be with those people. I experienced love and grace in a way I hadn’t before. 

After a quick six-month courtship with a guy I met at a church retreat, I got married just two weeks out of high school to someone I didn’t even like. Years later, I realized I hadn’t even chosen him for myself, but essentially allowed a friend’s opinion of who I should go for to override my own because of my lack of self esteem and not at all knowing who I was at the time. 

After several years in that tumultuous relationship, I decided to leave, and it ended just after our 3rd anniversary. During that time I learned some things, such as: 

• Some marriages should never have happened in the first place
• Many choose life partners before they even know who they are
• Boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship
• Sometimes divorce is the best answer

A couple of years later, I met Jim. I wasn’t sure he was ‘spiritual enough’ for me, yet I would use the fruit of the spirit to describe him. I may have been able to quote more verses, but he lived them. We went on to get married and have four children together. Despite all my so-called failings—being insecure, perfectionistic, self-loathing and having a temper—my husband and I lived what we believed. We were kind to each other, giving, serving, logical and reasonable. 

My biggest problem was I didn’t like me. I was experiencing intense depression and anxiety, and I believed that if I could somehow get everything perfect on the outside, I would finally be okay on the inside.

Henry Cloud, co-author of Boundaries, said, “Perfectionism is depressing because reality always wins and you can know you are a perfectionist if you beat yourself up over this fact.” Hearing that statement was the beginning of my journey to freedom.

In a desperate attempt to figure out what was wrong with me, I started to blame Jim for my unhappiness. I thought if he were more invested in personal growth, church events, planning date nights, initiating deep and meaningful conversations, etc. THEN I would be happy. He tried to ‘jump through hoops’ for awhile, but of course this didn’t work for either of us, so I finally decided to ‘let Jim be Jim’ and love him just the way he was. That thought changed EVERYTHING in our relationship. 

We enjoyed being together and we enjoyed being apart. We were both secure in ourselves and
in our relationships. This allowed us the freedom to travel together and separately without fear
or the need to attempt to control each other.

Jim passed away from cancer a few days short of our 35th anniversary. The first years of our marriage were very good, the last 10 years were great. I no longer had ‘operating manuals’ for him. I loved him unconditionally and helped him from the energy of love until the very end.

Other than my two years of crazy perfectionism, I always chose to think thoughts about Jim that made me feel good, loving, respectful and attracted to him. We worked together in the same office for years and I still looked forward to seeing him at night. I think one of the most attractive things about him was he was secure in who he was and liked himself while staying humble. We were always complimenting each other and expressing our gratitude for what we each brought to the table.

I spent about two years seeing various counselors, therapists, emotional and inner healing people, going to meetings where there was ministry, etc. Much time was spent digging around in my past trying to figure out where I got screwed up, however the problem wasn’t in my past—it was how I was thinking in the present. I learned it doesn’t matter where or when we pick up the lies that do not serve us, what matters is that we recognize they are not working for us and we can choose to think whatever we want. 

It’s now my passion to help other women who are struggling as I was, make their marriage great or help them leave without guilt—without personal agenda either way. I help them reconnect with themselves and gain clarity to fully see what isn’t working on their end and to see the things that won’t work in any relationship. When they have done all they can do to love and live at peace with their partner, they are free to decide what they want to do, without bringing any of that into the next relationship, resulting in a mindset of love and a life of freedom.

Drop the religious mindset, reconnect with yourself and find clarity—all from a powerful ‘love feels better’ mindset that will empower you to make the necessary changes in your marriage and life, ultimately resulting in the freedom you desire